Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) Read online

  “What the hell is that?” asked Julian. A furry head looked back at him. It was long and brown, with a white stripe running from the top of its head down to its nose. Its mouth dripped blood and strips of Cooper’s foot.

  “It’s a badger,” said Tim.

  “Like hell it is,” said Julian. “That thing is bigger than I am!”

  “It’s a dire badger,” said Dave. He and Cooper were now back on their feet. Cooper was limping as his wound was only partially healed.

  “Oh come on,” said Julian. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Do you mean to tell me that – Hey, where’s Tim?” Julian looked back at the spot where Tim had been standing, but Tim was gone.

  The ground began to rumble under Julian’s feet. He leapt out of the way just in time to avoid a second dire badger head poking out of the ground.

  “Jesus!” he shouted, scrambling up to his feet. He stumbled backward a couple of steps and raised his hand toward the badger. “Have some!” The Magic Missile struck the badger just below the chin, singeing its fur and pissing it off. It looked at Julian with an expression in its eyes that he had seen only in one other living creature. “Cooper!”

  The badger climbed out of its burrow like a furry snake with Hulk arms, hissing and drooling, eyes locked on Julian. He mumbled a protective spell just in time to wrap his body in a faint blue light which caught the creature’s first swipe. The claws were razor sharp, and as long as Julian’s fingers. If they could burrow through this stony ground, his meager spell was only going to offer a modicum of protection.

  The second claw proved Julian’s assessment correct, ripping through the blue light, through his serape, and into his chest. Julian screamed, but the badger wasn’t done with him. It lunged forward at him, biting deep into the muscles and tendons between his neck and shoulder.

  Julian and the badger rolled on the ground before he finally broke free. It had taken a souvenir. Julian’s vision swam when he saw his own flesh hanging from the badger’s teeth. He was too shocked to feel pain just yet, but he could feel the weakness setting in from loss of blood.

  Butterbean tore into the badger’s side with his teeth. Even Ravenus flew down and pecked at its head. The badger didn’t even seem to notice. Its eyes never left Julian.

  “Dave,” Julian called out weakly, making an effort not to throw up when he spoke. Dave was occupied fending off attacks from the other badger. He was alone. Where was Cooper? Where was Tim?

  Cooper, as it turned out, was right behind him. “I’m really angry!” he shouted. He brought his axe down on the badger’s back, not seeming to notice or care that he almost chopped Ravenus in half.

  The badger was in bad shape, bleeding at least as badly as Julian was, but it didn’t even spare Cooper a glance. It tensed its body for another lunge at Julian and was just about to strike when something fell out of the tree above it.

  It was Tim, dropping down on the giant badger, sword-point first, with his entire weight behind it. This finally brought the beast out of its homicidal frenzy. It hissed and howled, spraying blood and spittle all over Cooper while Tim twisted the blade and scrambled its insides.

  As the light of life faded out of the creature’s eyes, Julian’s attention was suddenly refocused on Dave’s cries for help. He looked over to see Dave squaring off with the other badger all by himself. Both of them were splattered in blood. It was impossible to tell whose was whose, but from the way Dave was staggering, Julian guessed that at least some of it was his.

  Cooper was the first to Dave’s assistance. “Fuck you, badger!” he shouted, the thunder in his voice shaking the air around them. His axe missed the badger, but sliced straight through the trunk of a tree. The poor wretched pine didn’t have a chance. It exploded into splinters where the axe met its trunk, and began to fall.

  Dave stepped up, looked the badger in the eye, and spat out a gob of blood. A growing hatred for animals burned bright in his eyes, and bristled on the leopard fur of his forearm.

  “Why the long face?” he said, swinging his mace with two hands into the badger’s elongated head. The sound of crunching bone briefly eclipsed the sound of falling tree. But that big bastard was still on its feet.

  Julian, barely able to sit up, made his own scant contribution to the fight. He raised an arm that felt like it was made out of lead, pointed a finger weakly at the badger and breathed the words “Have some.” This Magic Missile sputtered and sparked as it flew, but eventually it found its way to the badger’s ass. That furry bastard wouldn’t be ordering Mexican food anytime soon.

  Tim pulled his sword out of the dead badger, looked up to see a tree falling down on him, and dove out of the way. Butterbean made it out of the way as well. Ravenus was not so lucky. He got caught up in a tangle of branches and was slammed into the rocky ground.

  Julian could feel Ravenus’s fear as he was forced to the ground. He felt a sensation like having the air suddenly forced out of his lungs when the tree landed. It was too much. He fell on his back and passed out.

  He awoke some time later. That was a pleasant surprise. It was later in the day, probably nearing evening. The darkness and grimness of the forest had become a bit darker and grimmer. He sat up.

  “Ravenus!”

  “We’re all fine, thanks,” said Cooper, sitting on a rock right next to him.

  “Where’s Ravenus?”

  “Your fucking bird is fine.”

  Ravenus hopped out from behind a nearby tree. He raised a wing. “So happy to see you awake, sir. I’m afraid I took a bit of a tumble.”

  “What’s wrong with your wing?”

  “It might be broken.”

  “Dave!” Julian called out. “Do you have any heals left?”

  “I was saving one for you,” said Dave, wiping blood and bits of bone from his mace.

  “I’m fine,” said Julian. “Ravenus has a broken wing.”

  “You’re not fine,” said Dave. “We patched you up, but you’re still at only a quarter of your full hit points.”

  “I told you he wouldn’t go for it,” said Tim.

  “Listen,” said Dave. “Your affection for this fictional bird is charming, but we need to –”

  “He’s not a fictional bird,” said Julian. “He’s right fucking here.”

  “We’re in a game. If the bird dies, well, he never really existed to begin with. If you die…” He shrugged.

  Julian struggled to his feet, only now feeling the intense pain between his neck and shoulder. It had been covered with strips of his serape. “Heal Ravenus, or I won’t accept any healing.”

  “You’re not thinking straight!” said Dave, anger brewing in his voice. “We’re in a dangerous forest. This is my last fucking spell. If I waste it on a bird, you are probably going to die if we run into anymore badgers, or whatever. There could be worse things out there. And who knows what we’re going to be up against if we find Katherine?”

  “Zero level,” said Tim. Julian and Dave looked at him. Cooper scratched his ass.

  “What?” said Dave.

  “Do you have any zero level healing spells available?”

  “Those only heal one hit point a piece. They’re next to worthless.”

  “Worthless for a full grown multi-level adult with a serious injury, maybe,” said Tim. “But what about for a bird with a broken wing?”

  Two zero level healing spells were all it took to bring Ravenus back up to his full health. Dave’s remaining first level spell brought Julian back up to minor scrapes and bruises.

  “Well that’s it,” said Dave. “My healing is all tapped out. How much farther do you think we’ll have to climb before we get to wherever the hell it is that we’re going?”

  Tim looked at Butterbean, and then at Ravenus. “Ravenus, you can’t talk to wolves, can you?”

  “What makes you think that I’d be able to talk to wolves?” said Ravenus.

  “Just a shot in the dark.” Tim’s shoulders dropped. “There’s no way to
know.”

  “We’re not going to be able to stand another attack,” said Dave.

  “Well I’m not going back without finding Katherine,” said Tim. “Julian. Do you have any of those horse spells?”

  “You mean Mount?”

  Cooper giggled.

  “Shut up, Cooper,” said Tim. “Yeah. Do you have any Mounts?” He gave Cooper a warning look. Cooper held in the laugh.

  “I used up two first level spells with those Magic Missiles,” said Julian. “I’ve got two more left. So I can summon two horses if we need them.”

  “I think it’s our best shot,” said Tim. “We’ll ride the magic horses as far as we can. If anything attacks us, we’ll just hope we can outrun it.” He looked around for any naysayers.

  “It’s as good a plan as any,” said Dave. “Personally, I don’t like our odds of surviving even if we turned back now on foot.”

  “All right,” said Tim. “Let’s not waste any more time then. It’s getting late, and I would really like to limit the time we spend out here in the dark.”

  “Horse,” said Julian. A light grey horse appeared before him, complete with saddle, bit, and bridle.”

  “Cooper,” said Tim. “See if that horse can carry your weight.”

  Cooper mounted the horse, which didn’t seem bothered at all by his weight.

  “Okay good,” said Tim. “Help me up. If he can carry you, I shouldn’t be much more of a burden to him.”

  “Horse,” Julian said again. This time a black horse appeared, but otherwise this horse was identical to the first one. “I guess we’re riding together,” he said to Dave.

  Julian mounted the horse with ease. Dave needed Cooper to lift him up by the arm.

  “Let’s go,” said Tim. “Butterbean, find Katherine.” Butterbean barked, and started running up the trail.

  “Go, horse!” said Julian. “Go fast!” His horse did as commanded, and the other horse followed. Julian shouted to Ravenus over the sound of galloping hooves. “Fly ahead and look out for danger.”

  Ravenus, ever faithful to his master, did as he was bid.

  They galloped for what seemed like an hour, the horses not once showing any signs of exhaustion. The forest grew less dense as they climbed until it was completely free of trees. Scraggly bushes clung to their pitiful lives through the cracks of rocks here and there, but the ground was mostly barren. The trail turned into a crumbling road, leading still higher aside a sheer cliff face. On the other side was open space. The road would have been comfortably wide enough for the horses to travel side by side if there were solid ground on both sides. But there was nothing comfortable about riding next to a fifteen hundred foot drop, so the horses remained in single file.

  Julian pulled on his reins. “We’d better take it slow now.” He brought his horse to a trot. The one behind him followed suit.

  “Why?” asked Cooper.

  “These horses are only good for two hours. Have you been keeping track of the time?”

  “No. I seem to have left my stopwatch in my other loincloth.”

  “If we’re riding at full gallop when the spell’s duration runs out, they’ll disappear right out from under us, and we might even go sliding off the edge of this cliff.”

  “He’s right,” said Tim. “Anyway, I don’t feel quite as vulnerable out here in the open as I did in that forest.”

  “Yeah,” said Julian. “We should be relatively safe from dire squirrels out here. How much farther up does this thing go?” He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Ravenus!”

  Within seconds the black silhouette appeared against the purple evening sky. Ravenus flapped down to land on Julian’s ready arm. “Sir?”

  “How much farther up is it to the top?”

  “Not much farther now.”

  “Good,” said Tim in a British accent . “What’s up there?”

  “A keep,” said Ravenus.

  Dave practiced his vowel shifts. “Right. ‘ello. Guvnor. Scone.” Everyone looked at him. The Elven tongue was still new to him. “That could be very good for us,” he said slowly and deliberately. “Or it could be very bad.”

  “What the fuck are all of you guys talking about?” asked Cooper, who couldn’t understand the Elven language.

  With some relief in his voice, Dave switched back to the common tongue. “Ravenus said there’s a keep at the top of this mountain.”

  “That’s great news,” said Cooper.

  Dave tugged at his beard. “Maybe.”

  “What do you mean, maybe?” said Cooper. “We’ll throw the owner a couple of coins, sleep there for the night, replenish your spells.”

  “Cooper,” said Tim. “We followed Butterbean up here to find Katherine. If she’s here, then she’s probably being kept here against her will, which means whoever owns this place is probably an asshole who is going to try to murder us all.”

  “I concede you may have found a potential flaw in my logic,” said Cooper.

  “It doesn’t matter,” said Tim. “We don’t have a lot of options available to us.” As if on cue, the two horses winked out of existence, one right after the other. “And there go two more. Let’s get up there and survey the scene.”

  Ten minutes later they reached the point where the ground flattened. Butterbean was waiting for them. They peeked over the edge of the rocky wall just before it evened up with the ground. The ground here was as bleak and barren as the side of the mountain. Nothing broke the dreary greyness of the landscape.

  Nothing, that is, but a small stone keep, as Ravenus had reported, and about two dozen zombies, which Ravenus had failed to mention. For now, the zombies paid them no mind.

  “Fuck,” said Cooper. “If I’m lucky, I might be able to take down five or six of those.”

  “Undead aren’t vulnerable to sneak attacks,” said Tim glumly. I’ll be doing good to take one with me while the others rip me to pieces.”

  “I’m pretty much fucked,” said Julian. “I’m out of spells.”

  “I could try turning them,” said Dave. “It’s been a while since I played a cleric, and I don’t quite remember how turning works.”

  “Do you have a holy symbol?” asked Tim.

  “Yeah,” said Dave. “I bought one in the market yesterday.” He pulled out a round wooden carving of the sun with a face on it.”

  “Does that represent a god?” asked Julian.

  “Yeah,” said Dave. “I guess.”

  “I thought you didn’t choose to follow a god. Which one is that?”

  “I don’t know. I asked the guy at the shop for a holy symbol of a god of healing or destruction. He gave me this.”

  “How does it work?” asked Julian.

  “Hell if I know.”

  “Just point it at the zombies and say something,” said Tim. “As long as your intention is to turn them, it should work. That should put the odds more in our favor, or at least give us a bit of breathing room.”

  “Okay,” said Tim. He was breathing quickly as he spit out the plan he was obviously making up there and then. “Dave and Cooper, you guys take the lead. Don’t go out too far. You don’t want to get surrounded in case we need to retreat. I’ll run out next with Butterbean. We’ll try to take down whatever Dave’s turning doesn’t cover. Julian… I don’t know. Cheer us on or something.”

  “Fuck that,” said Julian. “I want in on this action. There must be something I can do.”

  “Wave your stick at them,” suggested Cooper.

  “Screw you.”

  “No,” said Tim. “Cooper’s not far off. Do you have any torches?”

  “No,” said Julian. “But I’ve got oil.”

  “I’ve got a torch,” said Dave.

  “Good,” said Tim. “Go back down the road a bit and light it up. I’m pretty sure these fuckers are susceptible to fire.” Dave hurried back down the road far enough so that lighting a fire shouldn’t provoke any unwanted attention until they were ready. “Julian. After we all ma
ke our move, you start throwing flasks of oil at any of those things that are still on their feet. When you get an opening, light the fuckers up. Got it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Listen guys,” Tim continued. “Once they’re on fire, just back off and let them burn. The last thing you want is a flaming zombie hug.”

  Dave passed the lit torch to Julian. He readied his mace in one hand and his holy symbol in the other. Cooper held his axe with both hands. They looked at one another, nodded, and stepped out onto the flat ground.

  “Try to get them to group together,” said Dave, “so I can turn as many as possible in one go.”

  “Hey cocksuckers!” Cooper shouted. “I’ve got some fresh meat for you right here.” Julian couldn’t see Cooper, but he had no doubt that Cooper was waving his dick at the zombies.

  “All right,” said Dave. “Here they come.”

  “Those guys can really move when they’ve got somewhere to go,” said Cooper.

  Julian lowered the torch and peeked above the flat ground level. Zombies moaned and dragged their feet as they walked hurriedly to feast on Dave and Cooper’s flesh. The party was surrounded on all sides but the trail they’d come up from.

  Dave held up his holy symbol and pointed it at the largest congregation of zombies. “In the name of… um… whoever this symbol represents, I compel thee to… um… turn?”

  A single zombie shrieked and fled in terror. The gap he left behind was quickly filled in by the growing multitude.

  “Fuck,” said Dave. “That sucked.” He swung his mace into the ribcage of a naked dead man, just below his outstretched arm. The ribs crunched, but the zombie didn’t seem at all concerned by it.

  Tim fired his crossbow into the zombie that Dave had attacked. The bolt hit its mark square in the face, burrowing upward from the cheek into whatever remained of its brain. It staggered backward for two steps.

  Butterbean and Ravenus set upon it like savages. Ravenus pulled one of its eyes out of its head, flapping away before the thing could claw at its own face. Butterbean ripped a chunk of muscle off of its right upper thigh.

  Whether from lack of vision, loss of leg muscle, or scrambled coordination, the zombie staggered around in a circle for a few steps before stepping right off the edge of the cliff.