Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) Read online

  “Goliath is right,” said Frank. “We can't afford to dismiss any ideas right now. Keep talking, elf.”

  “I was just thinking, if the dice were created once, they could be created again, right? Where are we better suited to make a set of magic dice? On Earth, or in a world where I can do this?” He spun his hands around one another, and a dozen glowing butterflies fluttered out of his hands and disappeared in a mist of sparkles.

  “So fucking gay,” said Cooper.

  “What level are you, elf?” asked Frank.

  “I've got a level in wizard and a level in sorcerer.”

  Frank laughed and shook his head. Some of the angry mob laughed as well. “Do you know how much experience you'll have to gain to become powerful enough to make dice like that?”

  “A lot?”

  “Yeah, it's a fucking lot. And do you know how you gain experience points?”

  “Killing monsters?”

  “That's right,” said Frank. “Killing monsters that are as tough as you or tougher. That means that your life is always in danger. Are you willing to risk your life, I mean really risk your life, every day, for a chance that maybe someday you can figure out how to get back home?”

  “No, probably not.”

  “We stay in this tavern because it's a dangerous fucking world out there. We don't want to die, and we can't just go out into the woods in a giant mob and start killing shit. You don't get any experience if the odds are that much in your favor, and we don't want to risk anyone's life. So we're stuck.”

  “We don't need to do it ourselves,” said Julian. “Can't we just go to a tower and pay some wizard to teleport us back home?”

  “Do you honestly think that never occurred to any of us? You're forgetting, all of the NPC wizards in town are controlled by...” Frank looked up at Julian with wild excitement in his eyes.

  “You were about to say...?”

  Frank grinned. “Not bad for a noob.”

  The tavern erupted in a fit of excited murmuring.

  Tony the Elf walked hurriedly up to Frank. “There’s a girl outside looking for a dwarf named Dave. I think she’s a local.”

  “Like hell she is,” said Tim, making for the front door. “That’s my sister.” Dave and Tony the elf followed after him.

  Tony pulled the door open. The silhouette standing in the doorway was far too short and stocky to be that of a half-elf.

  “Who the hell is this?” asked Tim. “Where’s Katherine?”

  “Who’s Katherine?” said the dwarf girl in the doorway.

  “Jorn?” said Dave. “What are you doing here?”

  “The bartender at the Piss Bucket said you asked for me. He sent me over here.”

  “Shit,” said Dave. Jorn’s cautious frown turned into a scowl.

  “What’s going on, Dave?” asked Tim impatiently.

  “I told the bartender to send over the girl that was with us. I’d been talking to Jorn at the bar, so he must have thought I meant her.”

  “Jesus, Dave!” shouted Tim. “You couldn’t have been a little more specific? I don’t know, maybe mention that you were talking about the girl without the beard? What –”

  Jorn punched Tim in the mouth.

  The room went silent, except for a few suppressed giggles, while Tim regained his bearings. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. It came away bloody.

  “Why you big hairy bitch!”

  The next punch sent him crashing into a chair. He scrambled to get up, but Cooper rested a gentle, though forceful, hand on his shoulder, sitting him down in the chair.

  “I’m really sorry about that,” said Dave. “He’s just worried about his sister.”

  “Excuse me, Love,” said Frank, stepping up to address Jorn. “What tavern did you just come from?”

  “Piss Bucket,” said Jorn.

  “Tony the Elf,” said Frank. “You know where that place is, right?”

  “Yeah, it’s in the Lantern District.”

  Frank turned to Tim. “Have you chilled the fuck out yet?”

  Tim lowered his head. “Yeah, I’m sorry.”

  “All right then. You, Papa Smurf, and Tony the Elf can escort the young miss here back to the Piss Bucket and go find your sister. Kong and Juan Valdez can stay here.

  Julian removed his sombrero. “If it’s all the same to you, we should probably stick together.”

  “It’s not all the same to me,” said Frank. “I’ve got some more questions I’d like to run by you. And if I’m being completely honest, I think it’s safe to assume that some of us have some trust issues with your group. You waltz into our bar and announce that you’ve killed the CM. I don’t think it’s in our best interest to let you all out of our sight at once.”

  “So we’re hostages?”

  “Call it what you want. If by ‘hostage’ you mean that you’re being kept here in accordance with or against your will until certain demands are met, then yes, you are hostages.”

  “Well when you put it like that, –”

  “But you should really consider yourselves very fortunate guests. It took a lot of sweat and blood to acquire this place, and it’s the safest place in this crazy fucked up world that you’re going to find. Some of us have been stuck here for a very long time, and most of us would like to get back to our lives in the real world. You guys may have fucked that up for us, or you may have taken the first step toward making that a real possibility. But we’re all in this together, and if you’re gonna survive long enough to put some kind of plan into motion, this is the place you’re gonna wanna hang that big fucking hat of yours.”

  “What do you think, Cooper?”

  “I think I’d like a beer.”

  “Fine,” said Julian. “Can I at least send Ravenus with them?”

  “Who the fuck is Ravenus?”

  Julian tucked his sombrero under one arm and held out the other. “Ravenus!”

  A flurry of black feathers erupted out of a dark corner of the tavern and landed on Julian’s arm. “He’s my familiar. Ravenus, this is Frank.”

  The bird screeched and cawed.

  Frank clapped his hands over his ears. “Jesus Christ!”

  “I know, right?” said Cooper.

  Julian frowned. “I take it you don’t speak Elven?”

  “Tony the Elf,” said Frank. “It’s your call. Do you want to take the bird?”

  “Yeah that’s fine, so long as he stays out of sight and doesn’t cause any trouble.”

  Julian looked at his familiar. “You hear that, Ravenus? Just keep an eye on things, and report back here if anything goes wrong.”

  Ravenus nodded.

  “All right then,” said Tony the Elf. “Frodo and Papa Smurf, was it? Please follow me. Big Bird can stay with the lady.”

  “It’s Tim, actually.”

  “Dave.”

  “SCRRAAWWW!”

  “Ravenus, eh?” said Tony the Elf. He smiled at Julian. “Clever.”

  Tim and Dave followed Tony the Elf behind the bar and into the kitchen. When they returned a few moments later, Tim was armed with a shinier, sleeker version of the dagger he had been carrying, and had switched out his bulky light crossbow for a hand crossbow. Tony the Elf had two identical machetes in sheaths crisscrossed on his back. Dave still wore his same armor and carried his same mace.

  “Remember,” said Tony the Elf. “Fighting is only a last resort. If you start any shit with the locals, I’ll take you fuckers down myself rather than let you bring trouble back to the Whore’s Head. All set? Good, then. Let’s go.”

  They found Jorn and Ravenus waiting by the door, and the five of them exited the tavern into the night.

  Chapter 3

  “Me? No, I’ve never been married.” The handsome stranger with the neatly trimmed salt-and-pepper beard filled Katherine’s wine glass again. “To be truthful, I don’t feel I have a lot to offer a woman.”

  “Oh, come on,” said Katherine, giggling. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
Why was she giggling? She didn’t giggle. Was it the wine? She should probably eat something. She picked a wedge of fried potato from Chaz’s untouched dish. He had ordered it and then passed out before it arrived. Not bad. “You’re very handsome.”

  He was. He was tall and slim without being gangly. He filled out his purple silk suit very nicely. And that suit. If anyone had been wearing that suit in Mississippi, they would have either been taken for a pimp or laughed out of the bar. This guy, though – and only this guy – might have been able to get away with it.

  “Oh, sure,” said the man. “I’m handsome, and charming, and I’ve got a bit of money and a house, and –”

  “And you’re so modest!”

  They laughed together at that. Katherine honked out a laugh like an asthmatic goose. What was wrong with her? She clapped her hands over her face.

  “You’re very funny,” he said.

  Katherine put her palms on the pointed tips of her ears, trying to will away the warmth in them. “I have my moments. So what is it you think you don’t have to offer a woman?”

  “Intimacy.” He took a sip from his own goblet. It wasn’t like the cheap glass that Katherine was drinking from. She guessed it was a special cup the owner kept behind the bar for his more high-profile clientele. “I value my privacy. A woman is like a dog, in constant need of attention.” He reached a hand down to pat Butterbean. The wolf growled at him. He smiled and moved his hand away.

  “Hush, Butterbean!” snapped Katherine. Hold on… A woman is like a dog? She looked up into the man’s cloudy grey eyes. “You’re so right.” She put her elbow up on the bar and rested her head on her hand. “But you don’t seem so private to me.”

  The man smiled. “No. Indeed not. I must seem talkative to the point of rudeness. I offer my humble apologies. Look. I’ve talked your friend there into a coma.”

  “No. That wasn’t you. He shouldn’t have been drinking. He’s having some trouble with his um… Constitution?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “It’s all right,” said Katherine. “Dave says he’ll regain one point back for every day he rests.”

  “I must admit that I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Yeah, it’s all pretty new to me as well.”

  “You are a fascinating creature.”

  “You’re pretty fascinating yourself.”

  “Why don’t you come back to my place? I’ve got a bottle of wine at home made from berries that can only be found in the Grimblood mountains.”

  “Sounds great!”

  “We can bring your friend along as well.”

  “Okay.” Katherine stood up. “Come on, Butterbean.”

  “I’m sorry,” said the man. “The wolf will have to stay behind.” He stared into Katherine’s eyes. “Is that going to be a problem?”

  Katherine faltered. “No, I… I guess not. Stay here, Butterbean. I’ll come back for you.”

  Butterbean laid his head on the floor and whimpered.

  “Barman, my coach.”

  The giant red haired monster behind the bar bowed his horned head slightly. “Right away, sir.” He shot a look over at a – whatever those short people were called. Tim was one. He dropped the mop he was holding and ran out the door.

  “And,” the man in the purple suit waited until he had the bartender’s attention again. “Would you mind?”

  “Of course, sir.” The beast picked up Chaz’s unconscious body by the arm and carried him to the entrance of the tavern like a Hefty bag.

  Katherine and the man in the purple suit followed the beast outside. After a minute or two, a small black carriage pulled up, drawn by the most horrific looking horse Katherine had ever seen. Its lips were drawn back, exposing an incomplete set of yellowed, rotten teeth poking out of thin, black gums. Its milky white eyes didn’t appear to be focused on anything in particular. Its skin was mottled with patches of grey hair and clung tightly to its bones. The poor thing looked emaciated. In spite of its appearance, the horse trotted forward as if it were in the prime of its well-fed youth.

  Katherine took a step back as the horse clopped by her. The man in the purple suit put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and turned her to the waiting carriage. The little man hopped out and stepped out of the way. The purple suited man helped Katherine into the carriage, and then followed after her. The red monster tossed Chaz down on the seat opposite them.

  “Home,” the man called out. The carriage immediately started moving.

  As the carriage pulled away, Katherine heard the big bartender let out a sigh. If she hadn’t known any better, she would have thought it was a sigh of relief.

  Chapter 4

  “So,” Julian addressed Frank. “I guess everyone’s story in here is pretty much the same?”

  “What on earth would make you guess that?”

  “I mean, we all must have pissed off Mordred at some point in order to get sent over here, right?”

  “Oh,” Frank brought his mug to his lips, but paused before he actually took a sip. He held it up to Julian. “Do you mind?”

  Julian pointed a finger at the glass and bent his thumb like he was cocking the hammer of a revolver. “Cold.” A ray of blue light zapped the glass, frosting it over with ice.

  Frank took a long quaff. “Fantastic,” he said. “Yeah, well that story is pretty much the same. My group, including myself, Tony the Elf, Rhonda, Stuart and Rose, were one of the first to arrive. Barney, the cook, is the only survivor we know of who got here before us.”

  “Survivor?”

  “Yeah. We’re pretty sure the rest of his party got killed. Don’t go poking your nose into it though. He doesn’t talk about it. In fact, he doesn’t do a whole lot of talking at all.”

  “Which one’s Stuart?” asked Julian.

  “He’s the human guy next to the set of half-elf tits your friend has been staring at for the past half hour.”

  “Cooper!” Julian snapped.

  “What?” his stare didn’t falter.

  “Did you hear Frank?”

  “Yeah, I’m listening. I see exactly the guy he’s talking about. The bald dude in the pajamas, right?”

  “Maybe you ought to stop staring.” Even as he said it, Julian caught his own gaze being pulled in by the magnificently full breasts, tastefully pushed together by the shiny steel Wonderbra which barely managed to contain them.

  The half-elf woman wrapped the translucent shawl she wore more tightly around her, but that only served to divert Julian’s attention down to her exposed navel and the metal panties which did little but define where her long, slender legs began.

  The gravitational pull of her body to Julian’s eyes was broken when the bald guy stepped directly in front of him.

  “Is there a problem here?”

  “Huh? No,” said Julian. He offered his hand to shake. “My name is Julian. And you must be –”

  “Stuart.” The bald guy spared Julian’s hand a cursory glance, but made no move to shake it. “You’re making my wife very uncomfortable.”

  “I’m really sorry,” said Julian. “I’ve just never seen such a… She’s…” While scrambling for the least offensive thing to say, he became aware that Cooper hadn’t yet stopped staring. “Cooper!” he said. No response. “Cooper, knock it off.” He punched Cooper in the small of the back.

  “Wha?” said Cooper. “Whoa,” he said to Stuart. “Where the fuck did you come from?”

  “This is Stuart,” said Julian. “He would appreciate it if you’d stop leering at his wife.”

  “Oh, sorry,” said Cooper. “But honestly. If she doesn’t want to be stared at, she really shouldn’t walk around with her titties hanging out like that.”

  Stuart stepped right up in Cooper’s face. His nose twitched and his eyes began to water. Julian had been that close to Cooper before, and knew that Stuart must be using all of his Willpower to refrain from stepping back or vomiting. “Are you trying to tell my wife how she sho
uld dress?” he said when he was able to choke out the words. “You, who wears nothing but the decrepit flesh of some diseased animal around your waist! Why don’t you cover up your own titties?” He spat out the last word as if he found it beneath him.

  “These are all muscle, you bald little bas—”

  “I think,” Julian spoke up loudly enough to shut Cooper up. Once that was accomplished, he spoke at a more reasonable volume. “I think what my friend was trying to say is that you have a lovely wife. We mean no disrespect, and will make an effort to keep from gawking in the future. But be realistic, man. All that bare skin makes it kind of hard to look away. She’s wearing metallic lingerie, for crying out loud.”

  “It’s armor,” said Stuart. The sigh that followed told Julian that this wasn’t the first time Stuart had traveled down this road. “She’s a fighter, but she rolled a natural Charisma score of 18. We’ve tried putting her in man’s armor, but it just doesn’t fit properly.”

  “That’s preposterous,” said Julian. “What kind of attack could she possibly hope to defend herself from with that?”

  Stuart raised his eyebrows. “You’d be surprised. We don’t get into too many fights, but when we do, the attackers’ weapons always seem to hit her somewhere in the twelve square inches of armor she wears.”

  “Incredible,” said Julian, shaking his head.

  Stuart shrugged. “It’s just part of the game. Have you seen some of those book covers?”

  “So, um…” said Cooper. “Just to be clear. It’s okay to look then? I mean, I won’t make a move or nothin’. Just fill the spank bank, you know?”

  Stuart’s angry face switched back on like a light when he turned to Cooper. “How’s this for clear? If I catch you so much as glancing in my wife’s general direction, I’ll carve out your eyes while you sleep and fill the sockets with your testicles.”

  Cooper frowned. “Dude, that’s kinda fucked up.”

  Chapter 5

  “Why do they call you Tony the Elf?” asked Dave as he, Jorn, and Tim struggled on their short legs to keep up with the long, graceful strides of the Ranger through the dark streets of the city.